Sunday, 1 November 2015

Rotary Club of Maleny Bulletin for 4th November 2015

"THE RANGE"  Vol. 57 No. 10

Maleny Hotel at 6:30 for 7:00pm with Guest Speaker Jim Straker of Zero Waste.

Apologies to Bernice before noon on Tuesday.

                           4th Nov          18 Nov           2nd Dec          
Duty Officer      Sherryl G        Rick V           Chris R-S               
Assist DO         Michael G       John W          Angela G                   
Registration      Keith R           Malcolm B     Bernice McL    
Fellowship*       Bill H               Jeff C            Andy S        
                         Foundation      Rotary           Foundation
* signals short talk on these topics
7th Nov
John McL (Leader)  Bernice McL  Donna C

21st Nov
Malcolm B  (Leader)  Ric T  Rick V

President Jeff opened the meeting by welcoming Fran Tickle together with 3 visitors from Nepal, a visiting Rotarian Tony ? and guest speaker Bob Malcolm from Maleny Credit Union.

President's Update.
- Melbourne Cup Fund raising event 100% sold out.
- 23rd October is World Polio Day. Rotary Maleny will be donating a $2000 cheque. This will be matched by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation at $2 for each dollar contributed.
- Hinterland Cluster Group fund raiser being planned.
- Input required from Members for our upcoming Xmas Party.
- Need volunteers for the role of Sergeant.

Rick V reported that the Mary Cairncross Discovery Centre has received federal tourism funding of $1 million.  The total estimated cost of the project is $4.5 million.  He also gave an update on the Time Capsule project.

Fran Tickle reported that the Interact Club had raised $14,000. They wished to thank Rotary for their support.

Rotarian Ramkrishna from Nepal said that this was his second visit to Maleny Rotary Club. He advised that 15,000 people died in the earthquake in Nepal and thousands more lost their homes. He thanked Rotary for their continued support.  He then presented his Club's banner to the  President.

Guest Speaker Bob Malcolm from Maleny Credit Union advised that Financial Services was a changing world. He said that online banking functions offered a challenge for the credit union. New technology was very costly.  He also believed that the Murray Inquiry will put pressure on interest rates.

Since the failed merger with CUA some 4 years ago, MCU has a sense of ownership by its members. They continue to engage with the community through the various communities forums.  He believed that it was important to identify the needs of the community. This was being done through a financial literacy programme. He advised that he had spent time with the teachers at Maleny High School and there is a 22 unit course in Financial Services that they want to expand across the Sunshine Coast.

Bob also reported that the Chamber of Commerce had nominated MCU for a Community Award to mark the fund that had been set up ten years ago which now financed two grants per year for community service projects.

Closing Messages
Mary Cairncross Good Neighbours Day to be held on 24 October - volunteers required.

Rotary are supporting a BBQ at the Manfred Antiques auction on 31 October at the junction of Reesville and Corks Pocket Roads.

Meeting Closed at 8.30pm.

11th November
Board Meeting at the Masonic Hall.

18th November
Maleny Hotel at 6:30 for 7:00pm with Guest Speaker Vicki Stewart of ARH.

25th November
Annual General Meeting at Masonic Hall at 5:30pm with cheese and biscuits.

2nd December
Maleny Hotel at 6:30 for 7:00pm with Guest Speaker ADG Ian Hope on Micro-finance.

9th December
Board Meeting at the Masonic Hall.

19th Mike & Sherryl

2nd Sherryl Gregory   4th Elaine Atkinson   11th Ric Townsend  25th Bill Hankinson


If Nelson was at Trafalgar in 2015

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: “Sorry, sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest we offend our new ‘boat’ people.”

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments..."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking: the Government is frightened of losing the ‘wowsers’ vote."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it … full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card..."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of Legal Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like vultures."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now... According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report — for hurt feelings or hate speech”.

Nelson: "All who speak ill of your king must be considered as an enemy."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. As British, it is us who must be sensitive & inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. They could stop our ship engaging the enemy"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: “In that case … kiss me, Hardy.”

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